i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
