Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
