U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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