her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
