He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
