cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
