I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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