I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
