***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
