Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
