Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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