he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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