Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
...so i touched it.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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