I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
