Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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