I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
