Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The best revenge is premature balding
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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