Can i not drive my cunt home
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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