his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
