The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
