guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
