Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
