I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
