First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize