thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize