I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
