What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
