Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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