There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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