She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
