So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize