Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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