Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
