I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
