It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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