I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
