Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
