i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
