Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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