My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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