Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
