i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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