Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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