Will you blow on my dice?
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
