I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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