my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
