i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
