There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
