haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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