Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
