If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
