I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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