If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
