I'm eating all of the evidence.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
