i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
