is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
