im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
